Today is the first of May. It is also my grandfather’s first death anniversary.
They say that time heals all wounds but do I still miss him? I think I do. I miss everything that he symbolises.
Life with and without my grandfather is really different. There’s so much that I can say about him but after the past one year, the zen about him really stood out in my mind. That zen was all-encompassing. Life when he was around was calm. It was like he had this gigantic influence on everyone and everything.
Without him? It’s been a living nightmare.
Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong. It feels like I’m being slowly driven crazy bit by bit. Finding out that the unconditional love that you took for granted is a big fat lie can do that to you.
For the past three years, I’ve been lied to repeatedly, without a care of how I would feel when I find out. Then I continued to be deceived again and yet again after I already found out. It is like everything that I know has been a lie. One of the few people that should love me most cannot even be trusted to love me. The fake tears and insincere apologies left such a bitter taste on my tongue and I couldn’t do anything about it other than smile bravely and say it would all be okay.
Of course, that’s just a brave front that I’ve put together because that was the ‘correct answer’, the correct thing to do in those situations. It’s also because it is not okay to cry.
I’m all for respecting the elders. That belief has taken several strong blows over the past few months though. It wasn’t just that one person. At my most unhappy moment (for this year at least), you said this to me in such a condescending manner, “妳哭什么?”
You probably don’t have any idea of how much I hated and despised you at that moment. There I was, with my world crashing down around me, and I wasn’t even allowed to cry.
Thinking of it again, I think I still hate you. They say blood is thicker than water. I am choking on the thickness of it now, being related to people who could hurt me so carelessly.
Family… I guess you have to love them but not give them any power over you, if this is even possible.
I know that my grandfather would have lots to say on this, if he was still around. Now that he isn’t, there’s no more words of wisdom to take away the bitterness. He isn’t going to be around to nag at me for being so stupid to hold grudges. He isn’t going to tell me that everything will be okay eventually.