I was in the midst of reading a certain book titled ‘The Inquisition’. Pretentious, in a way, isn’t it? I’ve never been much for history, with the rare exceptions of course, so this book wasn’t really what I can call my normal reading material.
Two chapters into the book and I realized again just why such books aren’t my kind of books… I was nitpicking and analyzing between just about every line. It pretty much translated to a massive headache. Almost everything struck me as wrong. There was propaganda, silly omissions of facts and ridiculously blatant lying.
Seriously, give me a trashy novel any day, at least I know they are supposed to be trashy. Yes, I don’t really have much taste but I’m not denying it. =)
…and one of it is posting about this.
Did something stupid the other day, which I know perfectly well I should not, and totally embarrassed myself. The mortification from it hasn’t faded yet.
I really need to stop sabotaging myself.
Though, at least I’m not stupid enough to give details yet…
It’s been over a year, almost a year and a half, since I’ve last wrote something. I’ve gone back to school to get a degree (which was somewhat of an expensive joke, judging by some of the people I’ve encountered there), graduated (unofficially as of this moment), got dumped for not being a stupid cow, and finally deciding on what I want to do for the next couple of years.
Life was so much easier when I hadn’t had a problem deciding matters, abstract as they may be, but I’ve somewhat persevered. I may not have made a decision whether to conform or march on with my head held high despite the uncertainty, but at least I’ve decided some things. It gets harder, the older I get, you hear the ticking of the clock, slowly counting down to the end and maybe, what awaits at the end will be despairing regret. Guts is one thing that I may have almost lost for good.
It isn’t easy being a control freak, and harder it is if you are a cynical control freak. The need to have absolute control over everything, to the point of irrational anger when someone tells you to do something… It really isn’t easy. It gets even harder when you don’t know the meaning of trust and honesty.
I’ve gotten so used to searching for and seeing the hidden meaning between words. It used to be fun, exciting and ego-boosting but it really is getting kind of old now. I wish I don’t have to but it isn’t paranoia if they are really out to get you. Not that it hadn’t helped but it really is pretty tiring.
And it will soon be my career if nothing goes wrong…
I know I’m an idiot at times.